TRUST.....

TOMORROW IS MY NEXT DR APPT AND I COULD POSSIBLY BE ADMITTED!! I WAS 3CM & 50% EFFACED LAST WEDNESDAY. MY DR SAID IF I AM 5CM OR MORE THAN SHE WILL ADMIT ME!!! I AM SO EXCITED EXCEPT HIS CARSEAT STILL IS NOT HERE YET... =(

TODAY I GOT THE BEST NEWS THAT I WAS APPROVED FOR THE RENTAL HOUSE I APPLIED FOR. HE ACCEPTED ME AS A RENTOR. I HAD A ROOMMATE TO MOVE IN WITH ME THEN TONIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE SHE BACKED OUT OF MOVING IN WITH ME. SO TOMORROW I AM GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THE LANDLORD AND BACK OUT OF THE HOUSE. I AM VERY SAD BECAUSE I REALLY LIKED THE HOUSE AND IT WAS RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY CHILDRENS GODPARENTS. WELL I GUESS EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON BUT I WISH THIS WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT....

I GUESS I AM GOING TO GO APARTMENT HUNTING TOMORROW HOPEFULLY AND SEE IF ANYTHING PLAYS OUT TO POTENTIAL PLACE FOR MY FAMILY... I AM JUST HOPING I DONT NEED A COSIGNER CAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO SIGN (WHICH SUCKS).....

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!

Cannot Wait!!!

Well I went to the doctor today and it went great!!! I am now 3cm and 50% effaced... My doctor said "it will probably be a couple weeks, but if I am dilated a 5 or more than she will send me to labor and delivery after my next appt.." I am very excited to know that he is very close to make his debut! Today I got checked by my doctor and one of the nurses so I felt extra uncomfortable... I think I am pretty much ready for his arrival except I only have one newborn sleeper. I really need to find a matching outfit for all three of us for our family picture. Granny (the kids great grandmother) came to the appt today and we had a blast there and at lunch! I am hurting too much tonight and am choosing not to attend church tonight =(
Adalyn and I are praying for my friends new daughter she has been in the NICU since last night. Her white blood cell count was high and was not eating. Her white blood cell count went down but now has an infection, they are suppose to run a spinal tap to see what kind of infection she has.

Soon!!!!!!

I have my 36 week doctor appt tomorrow afternoon! My mucous plug has started to come out the past couple days!!! My appt last week went great; my doctor tested for the Group B Strep and checked my cervix! I was already dilated to 1cm and 50% effaced!! I was so glad to hear that news because she said “He should be here in a couple of weeks!”

Tomorrow Granny is going to my appt with me and she is excited. I plan to have her in the delivery room if I make it to the hospital… So far my birth plan is to go as natural as possible. With Adalyn I made it all natural for the first 12 hours and had her in the next 3 hours, I was just starving and tired that I wanted medicine to help me sleep! I need to talk to my doctor because I do not want to have an episiotomy this time because I actually felt the stitches last time. If my water breaks I do not plan to go to the hospital right away. I really want to stay home and be comfortable until I have to go to the hospital… I need to Google how to write up a birth plan…

So right now for about a week my little family and I have been living alone. My aunt moved out last week and it was out of the blue and shocked me, more like I was slapped with it in the face. I am very worried about it because I haven’t been working in the past month because there have not been any events to shoot. So I have been apartment/rental house looking every day. I have found one that I love and hope to get but I have been trying to find a cosigner and not having any luck so might have to pay a double deposit of money I had saved for my maternity leave but my kids and I need a roof over our heads.

I have had contractions when people stress me out. There are still times that a person is rude to me or feels good to yell at me that triggers my contractions. I do not know what to do about it anymore. I am the mother of our children but you claim we only have one together because our second is not here yet. Sorry I have seen that we have two kids together. Yet you can go be with a girl that has two kids and act like daddy to them. It’s really funny because from what I know and information that has been relayed to me is that you have done something to her that has been done to you that you swore you would never do. I am very thankful you never did that to me.

I will always love you so much and hope that we can get better with each other and be civil if that is all we can be. You have helped me create two kids and I will always be thankful for that and you have a special place in my heart. I have so much love for you even after what we have been through I just want us to be able to work together on things. We do have joint custody which means we work together on things and should not keep stuff about the kids from one another. I know you will probably never read this but three weeks ago I poured my heart out to you and thought we agreed on the topic of our relationship… I know everything takes time and I realize that. I do love you and realize I have faults and I know you have faults as well but I fell in love with you even with them faults. I wish you the best and hope that you can see that we have two kids together sooner rather than later. I want you to be a part of his life but it did irritate me when you forgot the appt last week and haven’t helped me provide any of the stuff for him.

I finally had enough money to buy Christian his car seat and a bouncer for him and they should be here next week! I am looking for letters to make Adalyn a “Big Sister” shirt for our family pictures! I am very excited to add her brother to our family and nervous about being a single mom of two and having both at the same time at home when we leave the hospital. We started going back to church and it felt like HOME! I didn’t realize how much I missed church until we went again; God has already started to bless my family… My car finally got registered today, more money wish I could have in my pocket instead but oh well.

Little sad note: I do feel sad because I am so alone. I feel like my friends are always so busy that I never see them and not having another parent (support person) to be around to help me. It is lonely doing it by yourself at times but I also feel like I am stronger and have accomplished so much with doing it alone.

I have not got to scrapbook in about a month because all my stuff is already packed ready to move. I have to finish making Christian’s blankets because he has no blankets what so ever.

His baby shower was fun but I really wish more people would have shown but it was still great to see the ones that went. It is really strange to not be with his father this time around because when we were expecting Adalyn everything was so different with us, the pregnancy and the families’ involvement. It is weird because everything has taken 180 degrees this pregnancy.

Why does it always happen?

Two days of crying has not done any good to my health. I have no clue why I let him get to me but him keeping my daughter from me and my family is beyond rude. I go out of my way to make sure his family sees her but when mine comes in town and I let him know three weeks ago and he says "thats fine i will bring her to the shower" now he wants to say "oh we have plans.'' whatever its crap I bring your daughter around you and your family all the time. You keep saying you do all this stuff for me but you havent. You broke my heart, havent helped or been involved with our pregnancy until last month and expect me to give you the world. I have helped you out so many times yet I ask to have her for 2 hours and you cannot spare that so our daughter can be at her brothers baby shower. Real good. You are trying to get back at me cause I might name our son something you are not happy about and that I wont give our daughters playhouse to you. I am sorry but she lives here and it will stay with her it was a gift to her.... I have helped you with taking her to your family events, taken her back early when you were suppose to have her so you could sleep, agreed for you to only get her for two days because you had things to do and when you decided to go hunting at the last minute, and when you got off work early in the morning I kept her so you could sleep and when you were sick... So I am sorry I havent helped I guess but it sure looks like I have helped quite a bit. Dont expect to get stuff handed to you, I dont run to have people watch her when I am sick or need sleep I deal with it cause that is what you do when you are a parent. All I ask is for her to stay on her sleep schedule but from getting off the phone with you I guess thats not possible either, so THANKS alot. I dont think fishing has anything to do with her bedtime routine... I am so fed up with being treated like a welcome mat to your life. You agree to help put our sons dresser together and then want to start an argument with me over stuff we had discussed the night before and get mad and leave. Then you want to completely put me down like I am some piece of crap that you can say or treat any kind of way. I am sorry but I really dont think your parents raised you to treat women that way especially not the mother of your two children. I am beyond pissed and hurt. I have never put you down to make you feel like crap. I have been screwed by you too many times and do not understand why I hold out some hope for you. Really do not know what I am going to do now. I show you respect and try to be civil even when I am pissed at you. I have been and taken so much crap this break-up and pregnancy that I cannot wait to move away to get away from it all. I am so exhausted of it all and do not see how anyone can treat someone so wrong. I am tired of crying but its all you seem to make me do anymore... I really do not think I can be around you too much longer if you continue to treat me wrong. Never thought I fell in love with someone that would turn into this or make me question myself and my actions. I have shed so many tears over you that I could flood Oklahoma.....