TRUST.....

TOMORROW IS MY NEXT DR APPT AND I COULD POSSIBLY BE ADMITTED!! I WAS 3CM & 50% EFFACED LAST WEDNESDAY. MY DR SAID IF I AM 5CM OR MORE THAN SHE WILL ADMIT ME!!! I AM SO EXCITED EXCEPT HIS CARSEAT STILL IS NOT HERE YET... =(

TODAY I GOT THE BEST NEWS THAT I WAS APPROVED FOR THE RENTAL HOUSE I APPLIED FOR. HE ACCEPTED ME AS A RENTOR. I HAD A ROOMMATE TO MOVE IN WITH ME THEN TONIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE SHE BACKED OUT OF MOVING IN WITH ME. SO TOMORROW I AM GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THE LANDLORD AND BACK OUT OF THE HOUSE. I AM VERY SAD BECAUSE I REALLY LIKED THE HOUSE AND IT WAS RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY CHILDRENS GODPARENTS. WELL I GUESS EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON BUT I WISH THIS WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT....

I GUESS I AM GOING TO GO APARTMENT HUNTING TOMORROW HOPEFULLY AND SEE IF ANYTHING PLAYS OUT TO POTENTIAL PLACE FOR MY FAMILY... I AM JUST HOPING I DONT NEED A COSIGNER CAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO SIGN (WHICH SUCKS).....

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!

Cannot Wait!!!

Well I went to the doctor today and it went great!!! I am now 3cm and 50% effaced... My doctor said "it will probably be a couple weeks, but if I am dilated a 5 or more than she will send me to labor and delivery after my next appt.." I am very excited to know that he is very close to make his debut! Today I got checked by my doctor and one of the nurses so I felt extra uncomfortable... I think I am pretty much ready for his arrival except I only have one newborn sleeper. I really need to find a matching outfit for all three of us for our family picture. Granny (the kids great grandmother) came to the appt today and we had a blast there and at lunch! I am hurting too much tonight and am choosing not to attend church tonight =(
Adalyn and I are praying for my friends new daughter she has been in the NICU since last night. Her white blood cell count was high and was not eating. Her white blood cell count went down but now has an infection, they are suppose to run a spinal tap to see what kind of infection she has.

Soon!!!!!!

I have my 36 week doctor appt tomorrow afternoon! My mucous plug has started to come out the past couple days!!! My appt last week went great; my doctor tested for the Group B Strep and checked my cervix! I was already dilated to 1cm and 50% effaced!! I was so glad to hear that news because she said “He should be here in a couple of weeks!”

Tomorrow Granny is going to my appt with me and she is excited. I plan to have her in the delivery room if I make it to the hospital… So far my birth plan is to go as natural as possible. With Adalyn I made it all natural for the first 12 hours and had her in the next 3 hours, I was just starving and tired that I wanted medicine to help me sleep! I need to talk to my doctor because I do not want to have an episiotomy this time because I actually felt the stitches last time. If my water breaks I do not plan to go to the hospital right away. I really want to stay home and be comfortable until I have to go to the hospital… I need to Google how to write up a birth plan…

So right now for about a week my little family and I have been living alone. My aunt moved out last week and it was out of the blue and shocked me, more like I was slapped with it in the face. I am very worried about it because I haven’t been working in the past month because there have not been any events to shoot. So I have been apartment/rental house looking every day. I have found one that I love and hope to get but I have been trying to find a cosigner and not having any luck so might have to pay a double deposit of money I had saved for my maternity leave but my kids and I need a roof over our heads.

I have had contractions when people stress me out. There are still times that a person is rude to me or feels good to yell at me that triggers my contractions. I do not know what to do about it anymore. I am the mother of our children but you claim we only have one together because our second is not here yet. Sorry I have seen that we have two kids together. Yet you can go be with a girl that has two kids and act like daddy to them. It’s really funny because from what I know and information that has been relayed to me is that you have done something to her that has been done to you that you swore you would never do. I am very thankful you never did that to me.

I will always love you so much and hope that we can get better with each other and be civil if that is all we can be. You have helped me create two kids and I will always be thankful for that and you have a special place in my heart. I have so much love for you even after what we have been through I just want us to be able to work together on things. We do have joint custody which means we work together on things and should not keep stuff about the kids from one another. I know you will probably never read this but three weeks ago I poured my heart out to you and thought we agreed on the topic of our relationship… I know everything takes time and I realize that. I do love you and realize I have faults and I know you have faults as well but I fell in love with you even with them faults. I wish you the best and hope that you can see that we have two kids together sooner rather than later. I want you to be a part of his life but it did irritate me when you forgot the appt last week and haven’t helped me provide any of the stuff for him.

I finally had enough money to buy Christian his car seat and a bouncer for him and they should be here next week! I am looking for letters to make Adalyn a “Big Sister” shirt for our family pictures! I am very excited to add her brother to our family and nervous about being a single mom of two and having both at the same time at home when we leave the hospital. We started going back to church and it felt like HOME! I didn’t realize how much I missed church until we went again; God has already started to bless my family… My car finally got registered today, more money wish I could have in my pocket instead but oh well.

Little sad note: I do feel sad because I am so alone. I feel like my friends are always so busy that I never see them and not having another parent (support person) to be around to help me. It is lonely doing it by yourself at times but I also feel like I am stronger and have accomplished so much with doing it alone.

I have not got to scrapbook in about a month because all my stuff is already packed ready to move. I have to finish making Christian’s blankets because he has no blankets what so ever.

His baby shower was fun but I really wish more people would have shown but it was still great to see the ones that went. It is really strange to not be with his father this time around because when we were expecting Adalyn everything was so different with us, the pregnancy and the families’ involvement. It is weird because everything has taken 180 degrees this pregnancy.

Why does it always happen?

Two days of crying has not done any good to my health. I have no clue why I let him get to me but him keeping my daughter from me and my family is beyond rude. I go out of my way to make sure his family sees her but when mine comes in town and I let him know three weeks ago and he says "thats fine i will bring her to the shower" now he wants to say "oh we have plans.'' whatever its crap I bring your daughter around you and your family all the time. You keep saying you do all this stuff for me but you havent. You broke my heart, havent helped or been involved with our pregnancy until last month and expect me to give you the world. I have helped you out so many times yet I ask to have her for 2 hours and you cannot spare that so our daughter can be at her brothers baby shower. Real good. You are trying to get back at me cause I might name our son something you are not happy about and that I wont give our daughters playhouse to you. I am sorry but she lives here and it will stay with her it was a gift to her.... I have helped you with taking her to your family events, taken her back early when you were suppose to have her so you could sleep, agreed for you to only get her for two days because you had things to do and when you decided to go hunting at the last minute, and when you got off work early in the morning I kept her so you could sleep and when you were sick... So I am sorry I havent helped I guess but it sure looks like I have helped quite a bit. Dont expect to get stuff handed to you, I dont run to have people watch her when I am sick or need sleep I deal with it cause that is what you do when you are a parent. All I ask is for her to stay on her sleep schedule but from getting off the phone with you I guess thats not possible either, so THANKS alot. I dont think fishing has anything to do with her bedtime routine... I am so fed up with being treated like a welcome mat to your life. You agree to help put our sons dresser together and then want to start an argument with me over stuff we had discussed the night before and get mad and leave. Then you want to completely put me down like I am some piece of crap that you can say or treat any kind of way. I am sorry but I really dont think your parents raised you to treat women that way especially not the mother of your two children. I am beyond pissed and hurt. I have never put you down to make you feel like crap. I have been screwed by you too many times and do not understand why I hold out some hope for you. Really do not know what I am going to do now. I show you respect and try to be civil even when I am pissed at you. I have been and taken so much crap this break-up and pregnancy that I cannot wait to move away to get away from it all. I am so exhausted of it all and do not see how anyone can treat someone so wrong. I am tired of crying but its all you seem to make me do anymore... I really do not think I can be around you too much longer if you continue to treat me wrong. Never thought I fell in love with someone that would turn into this or make me question myself and my actions. I have shed so many tears over you that I could flood Oklahoma.....

UGH........

I am so tired of posting sad or upsetting blog posts. I just cannot catch a break longer than a day.

My sweet baby girls allergies started acting up today and she was attached to my hip (WHICH I LOVE!!!!!) My son was a little quiet today. I spent the day with Bayli and Khayden. Bayli and I both got a new pair of tennis shoes. I do not really wear tennis shoes I wear my cowboy boots all the time! But my mom sent me money to go buy some so I did. I love my mommy!!

Well I found out some more stuff that a certain person said about me last year after my daughter was born. All I need to say is grow up and I am a good mother and person. I have not done anything to you and still havent, I know in the end I know what kind of mother and person I am. Its hard to believe that someone at that age should be more mature and not speak bad on me when I am a GREAT mother/person. I do not go around talking about your parenting or how you have messed up so keep it to yourself. We have all messed up and I know I got pregnant at 18 but it was the Most AMAZING gift I have been given. My daughter is so great and you and anyone else should be blessed to have her in your life and experience that moment with me.... I might have gotten pregnant at 18 but I graduated high school, I am still attending college FULL TIME, and working. So on top of that I have a BEAUTIFUL 16mth old daughter and expecting a son in about 6 weeks and still attending college FULL TIME and working on top of that. And plus certain people trying to bring me down. I am srry but I will not allow any person to put me down because I am winning I have a daughter that I adore and love, a son that is going to be great and a disfunctional family but they are so great to me and support me every way they can. Thank you to my mother who has raised me to be a strong independent and honest woman/mother. Yes I miss her everyday but still blessed for what she has taught me and let me experience.... My father wasnt in my life much but is now and he is helping me each day. I am shielding someone because I do not want tension between them if everything was to be known.

I am starting a 52 week BIBLE reading in June and hopefully we will be back in the church very soon! I plan to get my children dedicated at the sametime and that will be open to any and all family members when it happens. I love God, my children, family, friends, and my LIFE!

Can the Bad Stop?

First I want to say "CONGRATS" to Colby, my babies uncle! I wish I could have been there but with all the drama I decided not to go....So I continue to go back and forth on the middle name of our son. I really like Lee but Aimee mentioned Dee after his grandfather Shannon and that has appeal to me.... not sure what to do.... Adalyn is doing so great and starting to feed her baby dolls which is adorable!!! She will be a big sister shortly! I am 32wks and 3days pregnant!! Just about 7 weeks tops and he will be here! I am truly blessed with my kids and I thank God for them and every opportunity I am given.

I didnt get to go to the graduation but I did get to tell him I was proud of him. Yesterday had to be the a good day and turn into a crappy night. I was able to see my childrens family which I thought was nice but the way I felt being around them wasnt what I thought it would be. I love all of them but yet I was treated as an outsider and heard something from a guy that I am so tired of being disrespected from that I cried. I know that they are not trying to cross him but in the same it was as I was crap in their eyes. Here I go crying again writing this... I just cant help it. I cried the entire way home. I have shared some pretty intimate and emotional things with him and I know we are both in the wrong but he continues to treat me as I am dirt and not sure what I have done to deserve it. At least you could do is be civil in front of our daughter and actually acknowledge that I exist but you choose to say only two words to me and not say "THANK YOU" until I leave and you have to text me. I dont understand it. I dont treat you that way and I dont ask my family to disown you or act as you are nothing. My mom still asks about you and my dad too. It breaks my heart all over again and I wish it didnt because it hurts me and the kids.

And last week was another hard week with what happened... He finally came to an appt, this one made it the 3rd one he has been too. But it wasnt a good experience. Why is it okay to be on your phone the entire time texting another girl calling her "BABE" right next to me??? I dont think that is right and then act as you did nothing wrong. Then I offer for you to come see your daughter and you cant because there is something or someone in Shawnee that was more important. I have to admit it still hurts me but I know he wants to be 21 and single or go party but I think I deserve some respect for you to not do that in front of me....

I am trying to be nice but everytime I am nice I get ran over and do not understand why... So apparently I am a golddigger because I invited my childrens family to my baby shower... That really disgusts me honestly, I havent asked money of anyone, I have been the parent to buy the large and some small things for our son after someone refused to help me out. Baby showers are thrown to help the parents out but whatever. Just because you get an invite does not mean you have to attend. I sent a 3d photo to everyone and thought it was a nice thing, I am only trying to include their family in their lives.... When you get told doing that is bad and you are only trying to do a kind thing its funny because it makes you think well maybe I shouldnt include any of the ppl that think that and then would I be a nice or mean person then....

At times I wish I could move my family away or win the lottery to make all the bad stuff go away. It is all weighing so heavily on me and wish I wasnt dealing with this during my pregnancy....

INVITES AND STUFF!

Finally I got the baby shower invites mailed out! I am so excited to have the shower and see all my friends and family. Except I am scared no one will come because lately when I plan events people end up having stuff come up and cant come but hopefully people will make time for me and my son to join in this joyous time of mine and Adalyns life! I thought the invites turned out really cute but that could be because I made them!
I want to say CONGRATS to the Witten-Davis Family in Kansas because Aimee and Shannon were finally able to adopt her daughter CORA! I am so glad it finally happened and I know they are all so pleased and blessed!
I have another doctor appt this Thursday, as well as, court. I am excited for the doctor appt but not court. My childrens father is suppose to go to the doctor appt with me but I guess we will see if he comes to this appt. I will be 31 weeks on Wednesday!!!!! I can hardly believe my son will be here in 2 months!! Adalyn says "BUBBA" all the time!
At hobby lobby there is so much COWBOY FRAMES & WALL DECOR that I want to get Christian. They have tons of girly stuff and some large BUTTERFLIES that I need to get Adalyn for her room!!!!
Well we are having to be moved by the end of the month and still have no place to live yet... We looked at a potential house the other day but its only 2bd/2bth/2 car. The kitchen and living room were huge but I would be sharing the master room with both my children which can go great or be a disaster! I just wish my family was together again.... I love my kids though and they give me reason to live each day to the fullest and provide for them.
I havent been able to see my mom in a month and I am so ready to see her and hug her. Her birthday is next month on Fathers Day. I love her and wish she was here for me but I do have a couple women in my life that I consider as second mothers and they are great...
I registered for my classes and I might be retaking some of the classes I took this semester because I want to raise the grade in them. I had a really difficult semester and hope this next one and future ones go better. I planned my schedule to be all online classes with one entire semester class, 2 early 8wk classes, and 2 late 8wk classes!!!
Got to get ready for work!!
Oh I am thinking of making a home binder and need some ideas!!!!!