Hospital Stay....

Here is my hospital stay update so far...
   Wednesday I woke up with a sore throat and runny nose. I figured I caught a cold. I had my aunt take Adalyn that evening so I could try and sleep it off. Well it seemed as Christian woke up for everything that night and I got no sleep till the next morning.
   Thursday I woke up with a sore throat, runny nose and a cough. I felt better but still sick. Everytime I got up to do something I would have to stop and catch my breathe, then I got the chills. When I got the chills I checked my temperature and it was 102 degrees. I checked Christian's temperature and he was a little below normal. I called my aunt to take me to the hospital. So they took tons of blood, checked my tonsils, did a strep test, those all came back alright. They ran an xray to check for pneumonia and that was clear. The doctor said with just having a baby I can be at risk for blood clots and it would be wise to have a CAT scan, so I agreed. The first run with the CAT scan didnt go well my pulmonary artery popped when the contrast entered my arm. So we had to do it again and the results showed a blood clot in my left lower lung.... They think we caught it soon enough to where it wont travel or multiply. They had me admitted me and started me on blood thinners. I am on a shot and a pill for the blood clot.
Friday I got an ultrasound on my heart and legs. I am still waiting on those results but I pray they are good. I should be able to go home tomorrow or Sunday. I am ready to pull my IV out of my arm its not in the right place when you are trying to hold a baby. I have to pump and discard my breast milk for five days and it sucks because I am pumping so much.... I will have to be on the blood thinner pill for a least three months. Christian isnt doing to great with the quick switch to the bottle he has been acting different. Luckily I had enough milk stored for one day and when he wakes up it will be his first try at formula. I had to borrow a breast pump from labor and delivery and they are asking for it back but its working amazing for me. The nurses have been super nice and helpful with accomdating my son. I dont have anywhere else to have him stay he is too young and I dont really trust anyone enough to keep him. A special person came up today and brought me my favorite thing a APPLE PIE, she knew I love it!!! Shes so sweet and loves the kids... I will keep the updates coming...

No way!

How can this be? Why do yall choose to be this way? I try and try but still get shot down by many. I feel as I am being lied to by so many and dont understand why... I have lied recently and made the mistake of doing that but I confessed it and apologized for it. I dont get enjoyment when I lied but do some people enjoy it. I tell you I dont want to fight anymore but you cut the ties with me. I am really thinking it is time to move out of state for a while and be done with it all. I cannot handle being sad and depressed every second of every day. New Jersey is looking promising to go to for a while with the kids! My son needs prayers, I pray that today is the last time he will have to go to the hospital to have his bili rubin checked. I pray that resources will be blessed upon my family of three. When I am blessed with much I shall deem blessings on ones that have not betrayed me, shunned me or my kids, disrespected us or anything. I wish the world can one day be evil and hurt free. I seen somethings this week I wish to have never seen but that is life and the cost of losing one you love. Granmama I looked at you as a grandmother to me and respected you deeply. The kids and I will honor you and take a moment of silence on your day of resting. We will always remember your stern looks you gave, smile, hugs, I love you's, old stories of when you were younger, and just the amount of love you had and gave to others. I remember the first day I met you and you gave me the biggest HUG I had gotten in a long time. I hope to see you one day and have our long talks again. I will make sure your great grandkids know who you were and what you did in your life and how amazing you were. Thank you for teaching Adalyn what you have so far. We love and miss you. Can ones' death bring many together for the better? I pray that this one does and the signs of it have already been put into effect. TO the Witten Family your in our prayers and we wish you happiness. I can only do that much since I am no longer needed and have almost come to terms with that. I hope we can be as we were before and stop putting what happens between two people affect how others treat you. I want to go MIA for a well and just travel with the kids... If life was only that simple... To everyone have a blessed day.

I did what I could....

I did what I could...I apologized and you did not care at all and could not apologize for your words or actions. You say it was all because of me but yet I wasnt the one that choose to leave you did and that has had many consequences with us, our friends and family. Families are torn secretly and we cannot even be civil with eachother because we are so upset at one another. I am done with fighting and dont plan to do it anymore. I am moving to NE Kansas and now you call me a moocher because you think I am trying to move closer to your family. I havent mooched one thing off anyone or any of your family, I bought our son everything he has because you would not help I guess a lifted truck, Ipad, and fourwheeler are more important. I am just so furious.... I pray this is the last post I write about how I am upset with you. I told you how I felt today about everything you have done from leaving me at the hospital when our son was born but you could be there for your girlfriend when she had surgery that is not right... I am finally done with all this and so happy to know you dont give two s**** about me, not even that I am the mother of your children. Now you tell me that you will sign the birth certificate and are demanding for him to have your last name. I am sorry but you lost that privilege when you denied to sign at the hospital. If my son wants to change his last name when he is older I will let him but I am the one that claimed him and you didnt. If you would have signed it he would have your name. Oh and his full name is                             CHRISTIAN EMMERICK LEE BIEGER, not just Christian Emmerick..... It is not fair to him that you choose to be dad when its convienant but you cannot help me out or offer to buy diapers or anything. Just because you have stuff at your grandparents house doesnt mean you dont try to help at all....  I am done... Got tons of packing and moved some stuff in storage today. I put tons of stuff on the curb today and I plan to do some more tonight or tomorrow night. So Adalyn came home with only having a 25 min nap and has been fighting taking one ever since she got her and throwing fits. My night started off well! I was thinking of taking the kids to the drive in but not sure now.
My prayers are with Granmama and all the family. I love you all even if there is tension you all have done great things for my kids and me and I thank you. She is a wonderful woman and this isnt fair that shes hurting and in pain. God please answer our healing prayers for her. Amen. Love all.

Could I?

So I have been thinking that I might have post-partum depression... I have been so sad and stressed the entire time I was pregnant and it has continued on after. Today I spent the day crying over Granmama, mykids, living/money situation and the mess with Tarrance. I do not know what to do. I am going to ask my friend if he will be okay with us living with him for a a couple weeks, if that. I really need to put some distance in between Tarrance and I because I know it will do us some good to be away and to stop arguing. Still have not found a place to live and still very tight on money. Still have no kind of help with expenses for my son, and its hard when you have to buy a box of diapers each week. It is only convienant for him to be dad when he picks/drops or daughter off. I bring the kids to see you when its not your time but when I ask because her cousin is in town you say NO, dont see how thats right. I am putting my foot down from here on out, NO MORE MRS. NICE GIRL.... I am tired of being put down and treated like a POS. So today I went to the hospital and when I got there he was helping his gf in the car. Then later went to see her to make sure she was okay. It really hurt me because he couldnt even stay with me the entire time of the labor I went through with our son and couldnt stay with me after I had our son because we got into a fight about him not signing the Birth Certificate. He really has changed and is not that man I fell so deeply in love with. I get his moved on and whatever but its hard for me when we have kids... I am playing both roles sometimes for both kids and its not easy when you need another person there.... UGH.... Almost       2 1/2 more weeks and I will be planning to get Mirena in and hopefully have a place to live. I really am scared to sign a year lease but might have to do it. I am terribly wanting to move back to Kansas, idk why but it really grew on me when I lived there and I miss it. I might call our old landlord and see if he might have any houses available. Once Sept rolls around I can play for a few months in advance and that could possibly get me a place without having to go through all that income crap... I got the call today from my sons' doctor that I need to take him to the hospital again to have his bili rubin tested again. Today and last night I got my room packed and almost ready to move. Tomorrow I plan to take stuff out to the curb and get stuff packed in case we cant find a place to move. I really wish I had a good family that would like to help me and my kids out to let us move in but I guess I have to learn the tough way of being a single mother of two with no family backbone except a couple people. And tomorrow I am going to be the bigger person and tell him I am done fighting and how he has made me feel I think. Maybe a letter would be better. I even made him a cheesecake today for him and he threw it on the trash, what a slap in my face. I am done writing today cause I keep crying.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire.....

I hate having to lie and I rarely do it... I also hate being lied to especially when I know the truth and ask the person about it and they cannot even tell you the truth... UGH I tried to help you out and you completely take advantage of the kindness I poured out to you... I am so fed up and ashamed of myself for continuing to see the best of you and who you were... Today has not been a good day with family sick and being stressed about stuff... I know that I am struggling but trying to belittle me about it and tell me I cannot do what is best for my family at this time is not right. I did not choose this path at all if I had my way it would go back to the way it was months ago and when everyone got along. I truly love my life and my kids and have faith in the Lord but I just feel so lost and dont have the answers for this one.
So if I dont get approved for a place by next weekend I am going to house sit for Jessica then I will either start renting a hotel room for us, move to Kansas, move with my dad, or move to Texas for a while... DECISIONS DECISIONS.....

Even in the worst time....

Prayers are need to my children's great grandmother Granmama... She is in the hospital and not doing so well and I am sad to see her in the condition she is. We love you and are praying for you.
Today my daughter went with her father but then his grandmother went into the hospital so I called to offer and get our daughter. Well I pick her up and he walks us to the car well he started his truck I asked are you not staying? No I have to run somewhere. He gets our daughter buckled in her carseat and shuts the door. I tell him if you need anything I am here for you, I know that we have been fighting but that doesnt matter right now its about Granmama and I care for you all. He replies with I have plenty of people here for me but thanks. Just hearing that response made me cry. I put myself out there for him and he still cant see that I am trying to be nice. I even came clean about what I did the past days and I am still the horrible person. What does it take to see what you are as well? Everyone needs a mirror to look in when they speak to people. If I went to pick our daughter up and you decide to use that time to see your girlfriend that is uncalled for, in my opinion... It gets harder everyday especially when you try to right your wrongs. I believe it is my time to apologize for all that I have done so I can be forgiven if not by him then my Jesus Christ...
Today my son and I had a WIC appt and it went great! He is 3 weeks, 7lb 11oz and 20in long! He is growing so fast!!!
Have a blessed day.

Trust?

Do you ever wonder who you can trust and who you cant? Well recently I am seriously questioning people in my life because I am not sure if I am able to trust certain ones. It is hard to know who is being trustworthy or stabbing you in the back. A person working against you could ruin things that could happen in the future. But I know my actions can also effect everything that may happen in the future. Enough on trust.... I got the call from Christian's doctor and his jaundice levels are 9.7 but are going down so I have to call again tomorrow and see if I need to take him back in a week. I am so thankful that his levels are going down. Today my daughter turned 18 months today!!! I cannot believe that she is growing so fast, it only feels like yesterday that we were in the hospital for a 15 hour labor and then she was here at 6pm on January 19, 2010!!! Today a friend I went to school with gave me some of her sons' clothes that he has out grew which is going to help me out alot! I put him in one of the newborn sleepers and it still swallowed him!! Today I spent the day with my children, packing our things, and cleaning the house up again! I really pray and hope that I am able to find my family a place to live... I think I made a mistake and it is making me all paranoid.... I really need to get over him and try to move on. I am really happy with my life but I know to make anything better I need to get over him. There is a place in my heart for him but it cannot be my whole heart anymore... There was a night that he spilled his feelings to me and then I did the same one night to him but thats as far as its gone. A miracle will need to happen if we ever want to fix it and do what is best for our children. All in all I have a great life! Love God, my kids, and my life...

Please...

Today I have had many breakdowns and I am at my end. I am feeling as a mother that is failing her children because I have yet to be approved for an apartment. I am financially struggling and wish it was 6 weeks so I could start working and try to find a second job, if needed. I broke down in the car ride home down and prayed to God to send answers and guidance to me and to look after my family and extended family in our down times. I have a few more places to apply but if I dont find anything that I can move in by the end of this month then I am moving all our stuff into storage and either staying with my dad, ask a friend if I can move with them for a while (it would be out of state though) or stay at a hotel for a while till I can get my school money and just pay for a rent house for a few months ahead. I really do not know what to do anymore. And there is another matter that has been in my head and hope it will go away. Why am I still wanting him when I know he is with another? I have read some things and it makes me ask that question could she be? I could be just be thinking the worst. Ugh so the child support I am suppose to be receiving for my daughter hasnt come in yet and when I asked him if he had been hired on he didnt want to answer me. Why are guys so stubborn sometimes? We are both stubborn and both our children have inherited that from us!!! Christian had another bili test done today so hoping I will hear the results tomorrow, praying that it is good. Today I cleaned a bit and packed up some stuff (more like I just tossed stuff in boxes). I really do not want to have to put stuff in storage because I will have to get another storage building. I bet I could get an apt but it would be the crappy ones and I cannot put my kids in a place like that. And no complex will let get a one bedroom because we will have 3 occupants which I hate. I am too scared to just put my daughter and I on the lease because if they find out they may try to kick me out. I have been looking all over the state for apts, I really only want something for 6 months in case I have to move far out of town I will have to attend school in January on campus. Why is it that people feel it is okay to block you on facebook when you have their grandchildren? I find it really sad that my son is being shunned by half of his family because they are mad at me for something I have no clue what I've done. We all used to be so close and I miss that but I can play hard ball too. It is looking as I am going to have to start playing harder and not let people walk all over me. I have all the proof I need now to know what I have been suspecting, his new girlfriend (they have only been together a couple months) has been around my daughter. I do not agree with that and I do not like it at all. I hate that we have joint custody and when I ask something it is felt that I do not need to know about it but when you ask me something I am suppose to spill everything to you. Yet when I do, I am still the bad person and the mean one. I go out of my way to make a call to you so our child can speak to you but I dont get the same consideration or respect I should be receiving. I know it will take time to get civil again because we are both so upset with each other. I will always love you but I dont have to agree with what is happening. I wish I was over all this, I think taking my family and moving away to get a fresh start would be great for us!!!!!
Please send prayer our way for my family.... Need all we can get right now.

Hopefully it will be down....

So my little boy has been up to the hospital twice since we have been discharged from the hospital after his birth. This is because before we discharged his bili levels (jaundice) were high. When his peditrician seen the levels he informed me that it was barelly over the high mark but would like to have him tested to see if it had gone down. Well it had gotten higher when I took him the next day. So they had him go back that Monday and it was still high but was going down. I have been putting him in the window or walking outside for a bit so he can get some sun. I have to take him back tomorrow morning and I am hoping it will be the last time. I hate that my son is going through this he is too small to have to be sick...
My kids are doing great together and it isnt so bad being a single mom of two! I do hate that I am doing it alone and do not have the moral or emotional support that you usually get from the other parent of your children. I know that one day God will send me a man that is deserving of both me and my wonderful kids that will show me moral support.
Church this morning was great! VBS kids did a great job at singing and all the lessons they learned about God. Today Pastor Kelly introduced Christian to our church! He is such a passionate pastor, I am going to talk to him about possibly dedicating my children to the Lord sometime in the next month or so. I would hope the family that is involved with my kids might consider coming to witness it, I guess we will see.
So this past weekend I was asked out on a date but not sure what I should say. I know I should probably say Yes but I am not sure about the whole dating scene anymore because I have the worst judgement in guys (showing from my short track record of guys I have dated). Ugh its hard being a single mom when you get asked out.

I love my life and my adorable children... Here is another sneak peek at our photo session....

Family!!!

FAMILY is so important to me and I have a two beautiful kids! God has truly blessed me with a great life and wonderful kids to share it with. Today we took our first family pictures!! Our photographer was Bethney she has her own home studio, B.Bright Photography! She was awesome. Adalyn took some good pictures but was more concerned with Bethney's sons toys! Christian did good he had three poopy diapers and had to eat a few times but did great! We got to use my boots, his dads hat and the blanket I made him in some of the shots! We got a couple family pictures but it was hard to keep Adalyn still! We got a couple with her and our cell phones in the pictures! Here is a sneak peek at our pictures.

I am sending my thoughts and prayers towards Granmama, she is sick right now and it hurts me to see her this way. I know we do not get to see or speak much but I am sorry and I love you. I have been blessed to get to know you these past couple years. You have given me great advise and guidance when I asked for it. Thank you Granmama, we love you and wishing you well soon.

2 WEEKS!!!!

My little boy is 16 days old. I cannot believe it... Having two kids is not as hard as I thought it might be. I love being a mother of two and each day they fulfill me more and more... Christian has been having trouble with his jaundice levels I had to take him to the hospital twice in the past week to have a bili test done. His levels are still high but are going down so Monday we are going back to have another test ran. Being a single mother of two is only hard because I am not working and have no income coming in, I feel as I am not doing what I should as a mother and have had to ask people for help lately with stuff. So almost everyday this week I have been apt hunting and I am hoping I can get approved for one without having to beg people to cosign for me. I should be starting work the middle of August and I am going to try and get a second job thru the college work study too.
Is it bad when everything reminds you of the one you loved and losted? Recently all the great and bad things we have been thru are in my head more than they have been. I am going thru a stage that I should have been going thru when I lost you but it is happening now. Even though we are mean at times to one another you always hope for good to happen.
The kids and I have been going to church every Sunday and it is really great to be back in the Lord's house and praise him. I dislike that I let us stray away from His words and guidance. Hopefully now He will lead us on the right path.
Last Sunday at bible study we read this verse and it caught my heart.....
                 Many are the plans in a person’s heart,

                but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
                           -Proverbs 19:21

At the end of the rope....

So I am enjoying being a mother of two, still hard to believe I have two kids!!! I love my babies and miss my little girl when she is with her father. My son is doing great except he had to go to the hospital Thursday to have his jaundice levels checked again. His levels were even higher so Monday we are going back to the hospital. I am praying for my son that he will be fine and the levels go down. I have been putting him in the window to get some sun but the heat is so high this summer I dont want it to get to him too bad.

I have been apartment hunting this past week and found one I want and some others I want to go look at. I have considered moving out of town because there are cheaper apartments out of the city like 30+ minutes away. I need to do what I can because I am on a limited budget and have to make it stretch till I can go back to work.

So I am at the end of the rope with all the petty drama and everything. I still cannot wrap my head around some of the things that go on. What is the right stuff to do when you are in agreement of joint custody? I dont agree with leaving a child with a 13 year old girl to babysit a child so a parent can go out and do whatever they feel like doing, and leaving a child with two kids that have never babysitted and dont care too much for babies is not right. Should the other parent have the option to watch their child in that case?

Facebook has made grown adults turn into childish individuals... It is sad to make a child delete someone because they post something on their facebook and the person it involved got upset that they got caught. When two people have a child together out of wedlock and the father refuses to sign the birth certificate because their attorney advises them too but acts like a dad but hasnt offered to help or buy diapers, what should the mother do in this situation?

When you look at your future you never expect the worst to happen to you. I thought 3 years ago I had been treated the worst I could ever be treated but it was nothing compared to now. The man I love treats me like dirt and expects me to give the world to him yet we fight after the birth of our son and he possibly ran to his girlfriends to be with her and her kids, I feel thats so disrespectful if that is where he went... I hate that he hasnt even asked if I needed help or if his son needs anything.

I am very concerned that he is taking our daughter around a girl he hasnt been dating that long and they have already broken up before. I dont want to meet her but I feel if she is around my daughter that I should meet her. I had a dream about it and it was not a good meeting it turned ugly!!!! I hate fighting with him but it just happens sometimes. When he picked our daughter up we barelly spoke to one another, how can you go from loving someone and being intimate with to being mean to one another?

Loving my life and kids. Thank you God for each and every day you bless me with.

June 29!

What a blessed day, June 29th, was! I welcomed my son, Christian Emmerick Lee Bieger, into this world. I completed my goal of having a natural birth and it was the most amazing feeling and experience I have accomplished this year! I was so thankful for all our family and friends that came down and waited for him to arrive. I could not have gotten through it if it wasnt for the amazing women that stayed by my side and Christian's father at the end. I was surprised at myself that I could go through a natural birth but it was something I really wanted to do. So far I have been very successful with breastfeeding except tonight I have a couple clogged ducts but Christian is doing great at it!!! I am so thrilled that I have been able to breastfeed so far! Adalyn was so thrilled that we were home tonight, I have missed that little girl so much I have been away from her for about a week.. I feel absolutely complete with my life and children!! Have a blessed night...